Funny stuff (& pics)

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smplyme89's picture
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Last seen: 4 years 2 weeks ago
Joined: 27/09/2008 - 4:18pm

LOL I love this thread!!
Heres my addition Biggrin

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

And a thought for the day:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES; NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

saudor's picture
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Joined: 10/06/2007 - 12:30pm

LolLol @ high blood pressure

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Jathina's picture
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Joined: 15/01/2008 - 4:45pm

People in my office have way too much time on their hands:

NN: Hey, I did not know XXXXX had done web width change on bathroom tissue, which does not fit paper holder. Is it engineering error?

RK: Only you would notice that Mr. NN, you engineer you!

NN: TT also noticed, see attached.

TT: Today we have a new web width change in the men’s restroom. One roll is 4” width; the other roll is 4-1/2” width.

NN: TT I already realized that this week. Probably, the correct is 4.5” because wider one fits the holder and narrower one doesn’t. Do you know who buy the paper? Does RK choose or supplied by cleaning company? This is not a issue for a part of employee but a issue for everyone. Therefore, I send to all so we can discuss between any person who is concerned..

KK: This project must be done by “Press Line” so that it was not fit the our press !!!

JS: I have the same problem at home. Perhaps there is only one supplier for toilet paper in Dallas/FW area and he does not have a rules to check the web.

RK: Gentlemen, I do not understand the men’s room dilemna with the toilet paper (TP) roll issue. We (women) do not have ‘TP’ width issues in the ladies restroom. Yes, I did change the TP on this last office supply order, as I am trying to save money for the company (our company) I try to find the best value without sacrificing quality, I did not realize the width of the TP was such an important issue as ‘softness and durability’ was my main goal especially for the ‘men.’ If in fact width is a deciding factor we will have to contact the manufacturer. Your best interests are my #1 concern….always!

JS: Sounds like a bunch of crap to me!

RK: I concede! Upon engineering advice from the technical department I understand the ‘male’ perspective and have come to the conclusion that in fact no savings were made in the recent purchase of angel soft toilet paper. In the future I will purchase the generic (and MOST preferred) brand of preference. Please do not hang me by my toes!! I ask your forgiveness.

NN: RR, Thank you for your understanding and future arrangement. You are not guilty.

davymuncher's picture
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Joined: 10/08/2009 - 10:41pm

The world goes so fast these days that often the person who says "It Cannot be done!" Is interrupted by the person who's doing it.-Anonymous.
---
From the land where Funny is a smell and Peachy is an emotion...

Good Idea: Feeding stray kittens in the park.
Bad Idea: Feeding stray kittens in the park... to a bear.

Wonderwurkz's picture
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Joined: 25/05/2010 - 10:54am

I LOVE this board... Keep the posts coming! Here's my addition...

Pocket Taser Stun Gun- A Great Gift for the Wife?

This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at the Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary, and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The consequences of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effects on her assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference -- pretty cute, really -- and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries, thinking to myself, "No possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it, master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there???

My triceps, right thigh, were still burning and twitching. My face felt as if it had been shot up with Novocain and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

Still in shock...

madra_glic's picture
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Joined: 13/05/2009 - 2:28pm

This board is fantastic! It has totally made my day!

My little addition comes from an Irish comedy singing trio called The Nualas. On the topic of other Irish Musicians they stumble upon Enya (very famous Irish folky/ etherial singer)

Do you like Enya? We LOVE Enya!
We just love how she has taken that one tune.... and turned it into 37 successful consecutive albums. And not a lot of people know this, but she is actually battery operated, which I think makes her achievement all the more amazing.

I stumbled across the actual footage of it on youtube the other day actually if anyone is interested.

Sales's picture
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Last seen: 1 year 9 months ago
Joined: 14/03/2009 - 9:59pm

Malawi To Make Farting In Public Illegal here is the link
http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/02/01/idUS347731415720110201

I am selling Maps, Paintbrushes, Stamps, Coins, Collectables, Training Items & some Morphing Potions in my shop so why not take a look you never know what bargains you may find.

To get to my shop please press on the link below
http://www.neopets.com/browseshop.phtm?owner=buy_swap_or_sell

I have 51 Pages of Wearable Items 4 Sale in my shop, you never know what Bargains you may find. I restock around 7 times a day.

To get to my shop please press on the link below
http://www.neopets.com/browseshop.phtml?owner=buy_swap_or_sell

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