[quote=lilly][quote=1434neopets][quote=lilly][quote=1434neopets]"Although it appears that cell phones help us to conveniently communicate with one another, actually it destroys our communication and interpersonal skills by confining us from only communicating with each other through the virtual world instead of interacting with the people right in front of us. " [/quote] Hm. Do you want your thesis to be more concise/ coherent, or do you like how long it is? )[/quote] I think the longer the better. My professor gave us a template for thesis construction and one of the examples from the sheet is this: "Although it might seem that we should think that ____ we should really think that ___ because ___." So I'm guessing he likes thesis to be clear and straight to the point. [/quote] Ah, okay. (I should note, I am NOT an expert, we've probably got people much, much better at spelling/grammar/writing on this board) K, my 2 cents. Hope this helps, it may or may not. Oh, if I may ask, are you comfortable sharing what grade you're in? That influences just how 'good' it needs to be, in my experience. I'm in my first year university. Hard to believe I know. HAHA. My professor likes essays pretty simple, this is why my thesis does not sound so formal. If you want it to be "clear and straight to the point," What I would do... (take with a huge grain of salt) "Although it appears that cell phones help us to conveniently communicate with one another, " Very nice. The 'to conveniently' could maybe be dropped, and added in the second part of the sentence. That would make the first part easier to read/understand. "actually it destroys our communication and interpersonal skills by" By the time I get to 'interpersonal', I've had too many large words, too close together. Alternatives: *Using the term 'cell phones' instead of 'actually it,' so that the sentence reads 'Cell phones destroy' *Alternately, if you decided to drop 'conveniently' from the first segment, you could say 'this convenience destroys...' OR 'these convenient devices destroy...' This is what you mean? "Although it appears that cell phones help us to communicate with one another, this convenience destroys..." *The 'by' at the end might by unnecessary. More on that in the next segment. *It really should be 'destroy', not 'destroys' -- but you'll have to change the sentence so destroy makes sense. You meant this? "Although it appears that cell phones help us to communicate with one another, this convenience actually destroys our communication and interpersonal skills..." "confining us from only communicating with each other through the virtual world instead of interacting with the people right in front of us." You could use 'and' instead of 'by' in the previous segment, and change the words in THIS segment to make them more smooth. I'm not sure I understand what you're saying in this segment.... Oh! Should it be 'by confining us to only communicating' instead of 'from only'? I think 'to' instead of 'from' would make sense. "confining us from only communicating with each other through the virtual world instead of interacting with the people right in front of us." *You could say 'by confining us to virtual communication... (instead of...)' if you want to make that segment clearer. You meant this? "Although it appears that cell phones help us to communicate with one another, this convenience actually destroys our communication and interpersonal skills by confining us to virtual communication..." Part of making something sound good is what tense it's in -- something I never quite got in college =p But that's why I recommended some of the changes I did, to make your words sounds 'active' (present/future tense) vs. 'passive' (past tense). I'm not sure I made the right changes. I tried to give feedback instead of "this is how you could write it," so it'll be in your own words. One other thing: Convenience =/= destroyed communication skills. They're ... mutually exclusive, I believe the term is. You can have one AND the other. Something can be convenient AND destroy interpersonal skills, at the same time. Cell phone communication, on the other hand, DOES destroy interpersonal skills, right? That's your argument? Yes. Cell phone communication destroys interpersonal skills. But I'm not so sure with the word "destroy" in the sentence. Do you think this is too blunt to prove? I'm not sure if it is or not. Plus if it is, I have no idea what word I should choose. So, "Although it appears that cell phones help us to conveniently communicate with one another," The 'conveniently' is misleading, because convenience is, I assume, not what you're debating about. You're talking about interpersonal skills, aka 'communication.' I'd get rid of the convenience, and include it later in the sentence, as I suggested above, so the reader doesn't get confused. *** Wow, that was confusing! I hope some of that helps. If not, tell me.[/quote] WOW. Thanks to this site I'm getting so much people helping me on this. I'm really am grateful for this. P.S. The bold sentences are my reply to your suggestions & questions.

[quote=angel_shortcake]I see where you think it sounds weird, sweet, try: Although cell phones appear to help us to conveniently communicate with one another, they actually destroy our communication and interpersonal skills by confining us to only communicating with each other through the virtual world, rather than interacting with people right in front of us.[/quote] YES! That's what it is. HAHA. Thanks for filling it in. =)

[quote=Dmitri]A little word of warning though, if certain parts of your paper sound signficantly different from the rest (or your usual writing), the teacher can tell that and might accuse you of cheating[/quote] Well I've been getting help from our learning centre. He actually wanted me to go there for help so isn't this kind of the same thing? It's just that the only difference is I'm getting help through the internet.

Ew. Triple or quadruple post... sorry. But I have to mention this to another reply so it doesn't get too confusing. Anyways, I have some thesis examples that our professor gave to us here (he consider these theses an "A"): 1) "Although many people people that the turban is a symbolic headpiece Sikhs wear as a part of their religion, its main purpose is to protect the most sacred part of Sikhs, the uncut hair." 2) "Cell phones create a sense of freedom: the idea of not just dialling calls (possible from a payphone), but also receiving them anywhere at anytime. Ironically, the idea of freedom that cell phones generate only last so long before the user has become trapped in a digital world where they are constantly accessible to their employer, friends, family and others". 3) "Skateboarding used to symbolize a form of rebellion and individualism but in today's modern times the skateboard symbolizes a way to make money, become famous, and obtain whatever you want in the materialistic sense."

[quote=jadentearz]That last one is very far out there o_O... I don't know how that one got an A lol Not to mention they use "you" in it... UGH that makes my senses reel :P [center][url=http://temptryst.deviantart.com/][/url][/center][/quote] Yeah. I guess he's looking for a contrast in the essay. One thing you say this but you really mean this... kind of thing.