Help on Proof-reading a Thesis, Please

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supre_drake
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[quote=1434neopets] EDIT: Second try: "Although cell phones appear to help users communicate with one another, this convenience actually erodes communication and interpersonal skills by confining communication solely to the virtual world, rather than the actuality of people around them." [/quote] I got your neomail. :) At my university, we'd have serious marks taken off for writing communicate/communication 3 times in one sentence (or paragraph, probably). Knowing that, I'll reword it in a way that makes sense to my writing style. Keep in mind though, I have no idea how the professors at your university grade. I also am not completely sure of the direction your paper is taking, so I'll just guess - and you may want to stick with something more familiar to you. I tend to go off in my own direction, but I would say something like this: "Although cell phones, by design, should act as an aiding catalyst for contact between users, they instead erode communication and interpersonal skills by forcing a neglect of immediate reality and emphasizing the virtual world." - Kara
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rich01
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I would suggest taking off the comma before the word 'rather.' I do not believe that it flows properly.
1434neopets
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[quote=supre_drake][quote=1434neopets] EDIT: Second try: "Although cell phones appear to help users communicate with one another, this convenience actually erodes communication and interpersonal skills by confining communication solely to the virtual world, rather than the actuality of people around them." [/quote] I got your neomail. :) At my university, we'd have serious marks taken off for writing communicate/communication 3 times in one sentence (or paragraph, probably). Knowing that, I'll reword it in a way that makes sense to my writing style. Keep in mind though, I have no idea how the professors at your university grade. I also am not completely sure of the direction your paper is taking, so I'll just guess - and you may want to stick with something more familiar to you. I tend to go off in my own direction, but I would say something like this: "Although cell phones, by design, should act as an aiding catalyst for contact between users, they instead erode communication and interpersonal skills by forcing a neglect of immediate reality and emphasizing the virtual world." - Kara[/quote] Thanks for that! I was really stuck on what to do on the second part... Anyways, I won't copy what you have just said because I know that its definitely not my writing style but instead I will use it for future references. Thanks again.
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reseller_1337
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Possibly instead of using "actually" Put in reality...
Soldier
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[quote=1434neopets]Hello all, I'm really bad in English, especially on grammar. So if someone could proof-read this thesis for me, you will help me greatly: "Although it appears that cell phones help us to conveniently communicate with one another, actually it destroys our communication and interpersonal skills by confining us from only communicating with each other through the virtual world instead of interacting with the people right in front of us. " Thanks, 1434sweet[/quote] [center] I'm really bad in English, especially on grammar. So if someone could proof-read this thesis for me, you will help me greatly: "Although it appears that cell phones help us to conveniently communicate with one another, actually it destroys our communication and interpersonal skills by confining us from only communicating with each other through the virtual world instead of interacting with the people right in front of us. " ..... I don't use a cell phone so I don't have to worry, and Dmitri is a grammar freak!!! LOL _____________________ Please help me support my Training, Meds, Neggs shop! Click: http://www.neopets.com/browseshop.phtml?owner=obsolete_soldier ^ please make a purchase![/center]
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rich01
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[quote=1434neopets][quote=raine_storme][center] K, I'm a picky writer, so I have a few corrections for the new thesis, which you can take or leave at your discretion: Hmm, "cell phones" and "cell phone users" create redundancy... Since cell phones are the only thing mentioned this far, simply using "user" should suffice. The "to" before "communicate" is not necessary. The possessive "their" is also unnecessary both times. "to the" seems to make more sense than "through", since "through" insinuates a precise path of movement through a set of surroundings... Finally, you might want to look for a way to make the last part "rather than physically interacting with the people in front of them" take on a structure more similar to the first part "to the virtual world". "Although cell phones appear to help users communicate with one another, this convenience actually erodes communication and interpersonal skills by confining communication solely to the virtual world, rather than physically interacting with the people in front of them." ------------------------------------------------------------------- [url=http://www.neopets.com/browseshop.phtml?owner=raine_storme&misc]~~ Come visit my map shop ~~[/url] [/center][/quote] Thanks Angel! Yeah. That's the difficult part -- "rather than physically interacting with the people in front of them". I want to change it so I don't have to describe what it should be. Hmm... maybe it should be virtual vs reality? "Although cell phones appear to help users communicate with one another, this convenience actually erodes communication and interpersonal skills by confining communication solely to the virtual world, rather than interacting with people in reality" --- Alright. I'm stuck on "rather than interacting with people in reality"? It sounds so weird again... *Sigh. EDIT: Second try: "Although cell phones appear to help users communicate with one another, this convenience actually erodes communication and interpersonal skills by confining communication solely to the virtual world, rather than the actuality of people around them." [/quote] How about possibly using 'interactions' instead of the second 'communication?' And I do not see the point of the 'actually' before 'erodes.' Aren't you simply stating that it does in this thesis? I'm no English major, but I just decided to take a break from studying engineering to put in my two cents. "Although cell phones appear to help users communicate with one another, this convenience erodes communication and interpersonal skills by confining interactions solely to the metaphysical realm rather than the physical." Possibly using network, correspond, or convey instead of 'communicate?' However, the word 'realm' might not fit properly.
rich01
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The word 'metaphysical' implies that there is no physical presence, which I believe goes better with the statement made in the thesis since it is not entirely virtual.
1434neopets
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[quote=rich01]The word 'metaphysical' implies that there is no physical presence, which I believe goes better with the statement made in the thesis since it is not entirely virtual.[/quote] Yep. I looked it up because I wasn't sure what it meant. And yes, that's exactly the word I was looking for on describing the being of only being physically there while you're using a cell phone but not mentally there for the general public. Thanks for your input and sorry, I didn't mean to ignore your input by replying this late. Just had to take a break for a little bit.
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davymuncher
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[quote=1434neopets][quote=Dmitri][quote]"Although it appears that cell phones help us to conveniently communicate with one another, actually it destroys our communication and interpersonal skills by confining us from only communicating with each other through the virtual world instead of interacting with the people right in front of us. "[/quote] Try something like: Although it appears cell phones help us to conveniently communicate with one another, it actually destroys our communication and interpersonal skills by confining communication solely through a virtual world as opposed to physically interacting with the people in front of us.[/quote] Thanks Dmitri! I knew you could help me. It sounds so good now. I don't know what else to add or remove from that. [/quote] AAAAA! Plagiarizing Dmitri! --- Step outside, take a breath of fresh air, then look down to see if you have a new text message.
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davymuncher
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[quote=1434neopets][quote=lilly][quote=1434neopets]"Although it appears that cell phones help us to conveniently communicate with one another, actually it destroys our communication and interpersonal skills by confining us from only communicating with each other through the virtual world instead of interacting with the people right in front of us. " [/quote] Hm. Do you want your thesis to be more concise/ coherent, or do you like how long it is? (I used to be a pre-English major, until I dropped out. I don't do grammar, but I love editing for coherency/ sentence flow, when I'm thinking clearly)[/quote] I think the longer the better. My professor gave us a template for thesis construction and one of the examples from the sheet is this: "Although it might seem that we should think that ____ we should really think that ___ because ___." So I'm guessing he likes thesis to be clear and straight to the point. [/quote] Ahh, it seems he wants you to have the basic parts: Subject Opinion and an Implied Because. Lol same thing my teacher makes me do. Anyways my teacher wouldn't like the use of "Our" or "Us" since they are personal pronouns, not sure if your teacher is a stickler on this but I would change "Although cell phones appear to help us more conveniently communicate with one another, they actually destroy our communication and interpersonal skills by confining us to only communicating with each other through the virtual world, rather than interacting with people right in front of us." to: "Although cell phones appear to help mankind more conveniently communicate with one another, they actually destroy human communication and interpersonal skills by confining one to only communicating with another through the virtual world, rather than interacting with people right in front of them." Though if your teacher doesn't care, go for it with what you have. --- Step outside, take a breath of fresh air, then look down to see if you have a new text message.
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